In The Name Of Expediency

To prevent racial profiling, everyone should have to show their travel papers when asked. Checkpoints should be established between each town, and cars should be searched by drug and bomb sniffing dogs, frequently, and as often as possible. Hiring millions of new guards and police officers and dogs will not only create jobs, but will ensure that I can travel freely from one checkpoint to the next. If I am mistaken for an illegal alien, I should be sent to Australia, or Canada for processing. On my return, I should have to stand in line to re-apply for citizenship, all at the government's expense of course. People should have to pass a drug test in order to vote, place a telephone call, or to buy a pack of rolling papers. Ice cream should be a severely controlled substance since obesity can lead to premature death. A twinky should require a doctor's prescription. Snickers should be banned outright. High fructose corn syrup should be outlawed in a zero tolerance double secret prohibition, but remain available on the black market, sold by shady mafia types primarily. If high fructose corn syrup becomes illegal then only criminals will have high fructose corn syrup, as it is a lethal weapon when wielded by fat people.